When I awoke this morning, there was a resounding peace and stillness in my heart, one that I’m not sure I have experienced on this level before. All I have ever known is work equals money and you gotta work (however much you gotta work) to get as much money as you need, to be okay. Life for me mostly has been a hard strive to just survive. The idea of something different, a non-confirmative way at approaching our lives here on earth was really foreign to me and is probably foreign to most of us. Culturally we are pretty much conditioned to believe the 9 to 5 grind is the only way. As I woke up today for the first time ever, least that I can recall….knowing there was no need to rush this morning. No, need to hurry and complete work emails, so that I can just have ‘my morning.’ Ya know that time where you get to just be you before the world smacks ya in the face for the day. No need to hurry and enjoy my holiday and try and cram it all in. It was a wonderfully strange feeling. I have always lived my life in a way that I could anticipate, as much as one can, exactly what tomorrow would bring.
Yesterday, we vacated and turned in the keys of our Los Angeles apartment, after hours of loading our things down to the car. I had really been worried about the items we desired to keep fitting, to the point where I even drew a diagram days earlier to try and plan it out. Yes, that is how my brain functions. Always thinking and it’s usually way ahead. As I began to load our belongings into the SUV, my heart started racing. A knot in the pit of my stomach arrived and my mind began to freak out. “It’s not gonna fit, it’s not gonna fit” on repeat in my head. My perception (which is never wrong, right… haha) perceived that space was WAY too quickly becoming full, and I began thinking “Lord just multiply the space in this car like you multiplied the fish!” Should my diagram fail me, as my worrying heart had begun to fear, I needed to call out to the Lord, to part the red seas of the walls of this SUV and make this stuff fit. Niko never worries and he hadn’t been worried one bit about the stuff fitting. So you can guess how the end went. As tired as we were, we car danced the entire way to Thousand Oaks.
I am a planning-control freak who’s mind is always processing the ways to solve any and all possible problems that could, should or might arrive. Everything about how I function as a person is filtered through one question. “Will this cause me pain?” Pain of any kind, be it physical or emotional….. I will go to any lengths to avoid. For some strange reason 'this' what I always focus on. How do I avoid all elements of pain? If you know me, you know I’ll never surf cause there are sharks. I don’t climb trees because I could fall and twist my ankle. I don’t jump on trampolines because I”ll throw my back out. I have spent my whole life being ‘careful’. And I gotta say, I’m tired, bored, full of anxiety and have gotten myself to a place where life doesn’t feel exciting anymore. It is exhausting! This is who I have become. A girl afraid to really embrace life, because she got tired of getting hurt.
As a kid, I remember having weird phobias. I didn’t like elevators because those strings have to eventually break. I didn’t like bridges for the same reason. I didn’t like roller coasters or amusement rides cause I was afraid a bolt somewhere had to be loose and I’d surely fall to my death. I didn’t understand how man made things could be safe. As I reflect on this aspect of myself, all these memories of weird childhood fears like these come up.
I am incredibly excited for this new journey! I have never done anything to this degree. The most important thing to me has always been certainty. Certain that I’m safe, certain that I have food, certain that my choices don’t cause me pain. Certainly has lurked around the corner of every decision I have ever made. So, when I say I have never done anything like this, I mean I have never willingly entered into a season where everything will be uncertain. It literally feels like it goes against every fiber of my flesh, but yet it feels so aligned with my heart.
This new season for me is about shedding fear and following my heart. About finding that part of me I lost somewhere along the way, that sought out adventure everyday, that didn’t let anything stop her, that liked to try new things, and who never met a stranger. We are not throwing caution to the wind, this is a calculated move. But we are ready for discovery! Discovery of ourselves, our country, our fellow man, and our God. With that we must also learn how to throw out all the things in our life that don’t serve us well, and for me that starts with a few particulars. Worry. Fear. Anxiety. These things have zero place in my life and their swatting days are over.